It is finally over! 20 months - over one and a half year - of daily stress and worry is over.

At the end of 2010 my husband discovered illegal activities in the company he was working for. It was not the staff on the floor who did wrong; it was the CEO, CIO Cwhatever... My husband was given an ultimatum; cover up or get fired. I thank God I have a husband who chosed  to get fired. By doing so he protected thousands of people who will probably never know what he did for them or what it cost him...  Since then it has been hell. No job = no money. The company has done everything in their power to ruin my husbands chances to get a job. We got thrown out of our home ´cause we couldn´t pay our rent (luckily we found another - better and cheaper - place to live), when our car broke down we couldn´t repair, much less replace it.

Yesterday my husband got a job! A very well paid job! I don´t hesitate to say; we deserve it!!!
Today I bought a pair of high heel boots and I didn´t feel guilty. We can afford it.

It feels unreal, almost as it is just a big misunderstanding. But I think I can get used to it... :)

Who is the mother?

I have a son. At least in my opinion and luckily also in my sons opinion. But... I have not given birth to him. So what makes me think I have the right to call myself his mother? Well, for the following reasons: I am married to his father and I live with them. I love my boy, I hug him and kiss him and sometimes I discipline him. I help him with his homework, I teach him how to ride a bike, I teach him his second language, I feed him, wash his clothes, take him to the school bus, spend some of my money on things that he needs. I bring him safety and stability.
Some people prefer to call another woman his real mother. This woman has: twice abducted him, tried to kill his father, used her daughter to bring forth false accusations.
She has not: payed child support, in any way supported "her" son, connected in any way with him.

Motherhood is not something biological. It is a relationship between a woman and a child (and later on an adult).

The laws in this country prevents my husband from suing her for the abduction. If you abduct a child that is biologically yours, it is not a crime against the child! It is a crime against the other parent, because you rob them of the opportunity to spend time with the child. It is madness! My son still suffers from the consequences of the abductions, but no crime has been committed against him. What about his right to be with his father? What about his right to be and to feel safe?

Now this crazy woman has sued for custody... again. Luckily the judge already knows she is insane. It is a true joy to hear this evil woman's lawyer grinding his teeth in court...

Mother - is the one who keeps you safe.

the possibilities of mornings...

Waking up. Feeling good. I like the early part of day (except for the "getting-out-of-bed-thing"). I like the feeling of possibilities; today I am going to do this, this and that. I always have a lot this, this and that. Today´s plans includes some exercise, some Latin studies and of course some writing. I hope to finish my book - the first in a trilogy - this year. I love to write. I love the process of creating something new and of bringing it to life.

 Right now I write fantasy. The magic, the legends; it all fascinates me. It is like an echo from past times, from an old world, from older ways of life. I am fully aware of that this is to romanticize past times, but I still think we lost something of our deepest self's when  science took over. We definitely gained a lot - no doubt about it! - but we also lost something. Maybe our sense of wonder? Maybe our ability to feel, to sense what we can not see? I do not know, but I do think that we are more than science, molecules and you name it. And maybe fantasy speaks to that part of us.

 Anyway... It is nice, this feeling I often get in the mornings. In the evening we know what really happened, but in the morning we know what we can make happen!

A stranger...

A stranger... that is what I am here, in this country. I came here for love. (Isn´t it pathetic?) Where has love gone now? When I look at my husband, I look at someone else than the man I met more than two years ago, the man I left everything; country, home, family, friends, position for. Yes, he is my husband now. But we are no longer close. The deeper trust is gone. Maybe also for him? I do not know. But I know that I have started to hide things. I carefully watch my words - can he use this against me? - and control my emotions. 

I miss the man I  met that summer! I miss the dreams, the feelings of understanding and trust. I miss knowing that this man would never hurt me.
He has hurt me a lot now. Not much anymore however... You can not hurt someone who does not care. It is a good lesson to learn; to not let someone else define you. You know yourself better than they do. Define yourself! If someone calls you stupid, it does not mean that you are stupid. Their words do not create reality. Their words do not make you stupid, but they make them someone who calls other people stupid. 
But remember; the same thing goes for if someone calls you smart. 
Do not care to much about what others say about you. Their words do not change reality.

I am a stranger. If you would meet us, you would probably  pay more attention to my husband. He is social, nice, intelligent. You would like him. Me you would not quite get... I do not talk that much. I am not your typical American wife. I am not interested in house work, cooking, baking, children (I DO love my son!).  I write, I create, I am an intellectual. But I am not chatty. I am not social. And in this country I am a stranger. Still I have to hide...